coming clean

In yesterday's post I linked to a post I wrote back in Jan. 2006.  You know, this blog will be 4 years old in a few days.  Reading that post got me to thinking.  Back then, I was a lot more open in my blog writing.  There was also a lot less crafting.  Once I realized that people actually read my blog, I started to edit myself and gear my content more towards what I thought people wanted to read.  I'm kind of ashamed to admit that.  I don't think it was anything that I intentionally set out to do, it just happened.

Do you want more honesty?  My life at times overwhelms me.  A lot.  Every time someone makes a comment about how "I do it all", it makes me wince because I so do NOT.  Juggling the kids, my marriage, my job, my business, the house, the blog - it's hard!  I escape by focusing on my sewing or knitting, or pattern writing, or just about anything other than dealing with what really needs my attention.  That quilt I just finished in record time?  That was on a day that my kids were driving me insane.  No, I'm not too proud of that.  They were probably driving me crazy because they needed my attention, but instead I chose to retreat into my own world. 

In case you were wondering, yes, I battle depression, yes, I see a counselor on a regular basis, and yes, I take medication.  The medication helps - when I remember to take it.  Gosh, that was hard to admit.  Sometimes I still have a hard time admitting this to myself.  But this is me.  I want to be more "me" here in this space.

So, from here on out I am going to be more honest, with both myself and you.  I'm going to be more engaged in my life.  I know that I have a pretty great life, really I do.  I want to use my new camera to capture more moments of everyday.  This means that there will probably be more family content (you'll get sick of seeing my kids & ruby) and a little less crafting will take place, but hopefully a whole lot more living will happen.  I'm going to be more "me" with less editing, which means that I'll let a few curse words slip every now and then (hey,I'm being honest here).  That girl who wrote this blog back in 2006 - she seems like a lot more fun than the one who's been writing in recent years.  I want to be that girl again!

Comments

[mrs. Doodle]

Love you and your blog no matter what! I think those same things a lot so you are not alone. I will read your blog no matter what!

[Jodi Blydenburgh]

Beki --
Please don't wince, but you really are amazing. I can so relate to all you just posted and, the fact that you could put it all down in words is what makes reading your blog so wonderful. You have given me inspiration to try new things and to see things in a new light. I am a mother of three kids too, though mine are in their teen years. Finally, I am starting to find my own self after being at their beck-and-call for years -- which sounds much worse than it was/is. I love my kids, but as they find their way into the world, I need to find my own way as well. You are so very talented and I'm sure you are a super-duper mom. Don't ever doubt yourself. Thank you for sharing a bit of your world. You certainly keep it real.

Jodi B.

[Sarah Galbraith]

Amen! Girl, we all feel like that! A LOT! I love your honesty! Thanks and I am looking forward to whatever you put out here in blogland!!

[Tammy]

Oh Wow Good for you! admitting it I mean.
I have been where you are with depression, medication and counselling and while I am 'off' my two aides I still sometimes feel sneaky darkness creeping into my life.
We all have days where retreating into our creative selves helps to save our sanity at the expense of our kids getting attention and I'm sure we all wonder in hindsight if that act or retreating to that creative place is the cause or the effect KWIM?
Someone once told me we just all do the best with what we have ... and I believe it.

[Elizabeth K]

Beki, I always enjoyed your early blog postings and look forward to more like that. Depression, meds and therapy are all well known friends of mine so I know what a struggle it can be.

[Robin]

Thanks for writing about the depression. I've had problems with it for years and have been taking medication for it for almost 11 years. Only a handful of people know about the meds because I feel like there's a stigma attached to it. I can say it here because no-one knows me! Doesn't that seem strange? Thank you for your honesty about everything you are experiencing.

[Sara Wright]

I recently heard a story about a yoga instructor who was asked by one of her students if she practiced yoga everyday. She lied and said yes because that's what she thought she should say as a "role model." But then some time later when asked by another student, she was honest and admitted that some days it was a struggle for her to get motivated to practice yoga. The look of relief on the student's face helped her realize that talking about her struggles was actually more helpful for her students.

As a working mother who is also trying to balance my life and my crafting and blog, it is good to hear others who struggle with the same issues I do- the sometimes overwhelming need to craft and the guilt that comes when I choose to do so instead of spending time with my kids. Thank you for sharing your struggles.

[Sarah Jackson]

I love you Beki. xoxo

[amy]

I look forward to "meeting" more of you :) I'm still learning how to accept my own humanity too.

[kat]

you need to take a night off and we'll go for a drink downtown! you going to art melt tomorrow? (wink wink nudge nudge)

[Darby]

Beki, I have goosebumps! I'm so excited for more of YOU! That's the one thing that I've always wanted from your blog... I love crafting and sewing but I've always wondered what your precious kids are up to(especially that sweet Ava)! I'm excited to have more of you! THanks for keeping it real... and admire your authenticity and I hope the rewards are great and plentiful for your willingness to be vunerable with us! Can't wait for more of you...

[Jessica]

Beki....I love you and your blog. Even though you may not have felt like you were keeping it real....I think you have an honesty that really translates, to me anyways...;). Of all the blogs I read (which are many...yikes) I've always felt I identified with you the most. :) In the way you capture things with your camera.....your sense of style, learning to knit, and sew. All of it. Thank you for being so transparent. Love you girl!

[Becky]

I, too, retreat into my craft projects to escape the real world. And yell at the kids while they whine that I am at it. Tonight was all about them and I have the bug bites and a half put together swingset to prove it. Unfortunately, we got a late start. But hopefully they can get some enjoyment out of the swing set before they are way too big to use it. It sure seemed shorter than they were when I was a kid. Anyways, don't feel bad about the days you just retreat. Sometimes its today's retreat that makes tomorrow do-able. I so hear your whole post! With ya!

[claudia]

Love ya no matter what!? :)

[Julie]

You brought tears as it's all so familiar. Hugs and go get 'em!!!

[annie]

Well, whatever. I think it relieves those of us who are NOT juggling all those things and still don't get a thing done.
Some days I spend more time than I like sitting on a chair staring at my computer screen. I need to get off that chair, disengage from a bunch of blogs I like to read and jump into real life myself. More time to exercise, visit, and breathe the outside air, get some sunshine, and along with that lose some of this weight.
It doesn't matter that you have faults or even perceived faults. You are Beki, the darling girl who made me a purse that I just LOVE.
you are a darling girl, and someday I hope to meet you in person.
have a great day, take it off, relax, enjoy the kids and the sunshine, and I will do likewise.
love you
~a

[Teresa Raines]

Brava! I appreciate your honesty. Especially since I've been there too: depression, meds, therapy. Hey, it works. I'm happier now than at any other time in my life. You keep going girl. We all need to escape sometimes. You have beautiful kids, and an adorable puppy. I just bet the hubby is cute too!

[Jen]

You are so brave to write this post. I too have been asked the how do you do it all question and I don't either! There are always piles of dishes in the sink, dirty floors and other lovely household chores that need to be done that I ignor to craft! I see all these perfect homes on all these lovely blogs and then feel guilty and horrid about my dirty house! Just not enough hours in the day!

[Laura P]

Beki,
Love you, I love that you wrote that we will be getting more of "me" and then put an Ava picture. She looks so much like you. I love the sugar all over the floor and the cups all over the counter and the kids all snuggled in your bed. You are a great gift to your kiddos, I can't wait to hear more about chez toi! :)

[amy norris]

i have never met you, but i stalk you and let me just say how proud of you i am to put all this out for people to read. it makes me feel better to think that people that i think "do it all" struggle just like me. i love this blog, and i love your honesty today. and you hit home when you said "That quilt I just finished in record time? That was on a day that my kids were driving me insane. No, I'm not too proud of that. They were probably driving me crazy because they needed my attention, but instead I chose to retreat into my own world." i have a 2 year old and a children's clothing line, and let me just tell you the number of times i have felt awful while i sewed away and my child got on my nerves. i think what bothers me most is how i refuse to admit that she needs my attention, not my sewing machine or my business. so, thank you for this post. it made my night.