I’m ready to try something new. For quite some time now I’ve had the desire to put paint brush to canvas, but I’ve been afraid. That seems silly, doesn’t it? Yes, I have painted before, but nothing more than just playing around with the kids, simple little projects that we finished in an hour or two. I’ve never painted anything that was reflective of me. And that’s why I’m afraid.
Back in college, I took a drawing class. I can’t draw squat, but this class was a requirement for the design curriculum that I wanted to follow. That class was painful. I had no idea how hard it would be. The first few weeks when we learned the technical stuff was okay, but once we got to the point where we were creating “art”, it got hard. It was hard to come up with a good subject matter, hard to have a good composition, and extremely hard to take the critiques. Oh, those critiques! Near the end of the class, after being extremely frustrated by not having my drawing chosen as one of the top ones to be displayed, I got fed up. I went to the library and checked a few books out on abstract drawing. At the next class I continued working on my piece from the previous class, but I covered the entire drawing in black charcoal. I thought “screw that still life, I’m going to abstract it!”. And that’s what I did. At the end of class I can clearly remember my instructors words, “Rebeka, you’ve had your breakthrough!”. YES! That drawing was chosen as one of the top ones. That felt good.
What I learned through that experience is that when you’re creating art, you have to listen to yourself. It wasn’t until I broke away from what I thought the teacher wanted and tried something on my own that I had success. As I was working on that piece, I could feel it. It really is an amazing feeling. I want to feel that again.
I still have that “breakthrough” piece. For a long time I couldn’t look at it. When I did, I saw frustration, insecurity, embarrassment, and lots of darkness. On a recent visit to my husband’s class room I noticed that he has that piece displayed. It’s funny how that piece looks different to me now. It’s not so bad. Yes, it is still a little embarrassing, but I can live with it.
Over these last few years while keeping up this blog I’ve come to know myself a little better. Sharing my projects and reading about yours has brought my own design aesthetic into focus. I know that I like color and texture, it’s a recurrent theme in the fabrics, projects, yarns and photos I’m attracted to. I still don’t know what I want to paint, but I have a direction. As revealing and painful that it might be, I also know that it will be extremely rewarding. I’m ready to take that next step.
Hopefully after the first of the year, once I finish up all my loose ends (the bazillion bags I’m in the process of making), I’m going to take a little break from sewing to focus on painting. Wait, I know myself better than that – I’ll cut back on sewing to focus on painting! Yes, that I can live with!