I've spoken about this before (i'm too lazy to search my archives), and my feelings are unchanged and unsatisfied. I desire to be more artistic. I want to paint. I want to create art. I want to combine color and make texture. I want to express myself in this way.
For a long time, my hurdle in achieving this was fear. Art is so personal, such an expression of oneself, and I wasn't ready to face that. Now that I am older and more aware of who I am, fear isn't so much of a problem. Now I have to deal with time.
With sewing or knitting, I am able to do these in the middle of my family chaos. They're mostly technical, as in I'm either following a pattern or directions. When I exercise my creativity in creating a new bag or quilt, I can dream about the design while I'm driving or putting away laundry - it can unfold in my mind. For me, painting isn't so. I need alone time where I can contemplate, be introspective, and experiment. Plus, if I were to pull out paints, my kids would be all over it! I don't mind them painting, but not right before bed, which is when I would have the time. And when they paint, I have to do lots of supervising, whether I want to or not.
I think I need to make time for this. Maybe I'll set up my painting stuff in my sewing room, then declare it off limits to the kids. Back in college, I remember assignments from my one and only studio class where we had to complete a 5 or 7 hour drawing. Maybe I should give myself one of those assignments and commit to paint and experiment for 1 hour each day. Of course, my problem with this is guilt. Why do we as moms feel so much guilt from being away from our children? I'm sure Matt doesn't feel any guilt when he plays sports one (or more) night a week. Besides being away from the kids, there's always that thought in the back of my mind that I should be doing something else. Gosh, why can't I just be? I guess this is something else I need to work on.
I mentioned my personal assignment to Matt. He reminded me of the painting class I talked about taking this past spring. Why didn't I do that? Well, I'm tired of dreaming about it. I'm going to take some action. Yes, I deserve it, don't I? Wish me luck!
