I’ve started knitting a baby sweater. Gender neutral, of course. We can find out at our next appointment if this is a boy or girl, but I’m not sure that we will. We didn’t with the others, except I did learn that Alex was a boy at the very end thanks to an emergency ultrasound. At that it was pretty obvious, so there was no question. But we didn’t tell anyone that we knew.
This is my first pregnancy knowing how to knit. Since learning this skill I’ve knit baby sweaters for others, but never thought that I’d knit one for a baby of my own. It’s funny how life works out.
Now that my creative energy is slowly returning, I’d like to make a few baby things, but it’s still hard. Starting this sweater was kind of big for me. You see, I have a history of pregnancy loss. Even though I’m in the second trimester now and my past two pregnancies were problem free, I still have that fear. This entire pregnancy I’ve been living in fear.
You’d think that my three healthy children would calm those fears, but it doesn’t. Every time I go to the doctor I think that he isn’t going to find a heartbeat. I’ve been down that path 4 times before. I lost 3 pregnancies before having Lily and 1 before Alex. It doesn’t get easier. I still hold the feeling that my body is broken in some way. After having failed so many times before, it’s hard to trust.
My fear also makes feeling joy and bonding with my unborn child difficult, but this time I’m going to try. I’m tired of being numb and having my defenses up all the time. Those walls need to come down. Yes, I’m still scared, but I think it’s worth it. I owe it to myself, my family, and this new life.
